is it okay to keep secrets from your parents


In the worst case scenario, secrets … | HuffPost. There are, sadly, those amongst us who keep secrets out of a perverse sense of pleasure in manipulating others. Currently you have JavaScript disabled. In these situations, children keep secrets from parents, and parents keep secrets from children and from one another. Start talking to your child at a young age about unsafe secrets. Some things are ok though, if it is needed to know about to support you. This is especially the case with things like childhood abuse. It can be a specific amount of time, such as 3 months, or a certain number of dates, say 8. For example, if you lose your job or have some type of addiction you should not hide these things from your spouse. In this case it can be advisable to ‘come clean’ – but you might need support first, and timing can be important. Instead, the secret keepers keep quiet and they forbid their children to talk about it, as if silence erases trauma. While your parents have the benefit of life experience, only you know what your relationship is worth to you. They will support you to find your inner strength and self-esteem again. #1. Your parents are probably judgmental with your choices in baes, that’s what parents are for. Previous post Gangstas R Us: Why we love crime drama | Psychology Today. You feel your secret as a literal weight, dragging you downward. Or is is possible that you might end up attacking others mid-telling, and push away those whose support you wanted? And, according to the top relationship pros we spoke to, if you play these cards too close to the vest, you'll be setting yourself up for some major drama down the line. Before long I had a sex addiction that was out of control. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. Weigh the risk of standing up to your parents against the risk of being caught. Smoking. 1480 likes. Method 1 of 5: Keeping Him Secret 1. Dysfunctional families keep secrets. If keeping a secret dishonors them, then it is sin. Discretion can foster a certain kind of … On both counts, the answer is no —and that's just us being honest. If you are leaning toward keeping your secret, make sure you take into account how this creates distance in your relationship (even if only in a small way) – is it a problem? Confess or Suppress: Is it ever okay to keep secrets from your partner? Required fields are marked *. I guess I’m struggling with this. Why tell it now and not before? If you tell your child to keep a secret about Daddy's birthday gift or Grandma's party, you are undermining the rule that no grown-up should ever tell you to keep a secret from your mom or dad. Our mission is to improve emotional wellbeing through therapy and psycho-education. Share this: Twitter; Facebook; Like this: Like Loading... Related. Many people encourage others to ask for help when, This can feel like a slap in the face but thi, Ever assumed something that made you feel absolute, Core beliefs are assumptions about ourselves, othe. But unfortunately, not all families are the right place to start that healing. Whether his friend told him he couldn’t tell anyone or a babysitter said, “It’s none of your parents’ business,” make sure he knows it’s OK to tell you anyway. Should your children keep secrets from you? If you live with your parent, then it is difficult to keep secrets. If you are a teacher and a kid tells you he is being abused, burned, and starved daily by his parents, you should speak up. Is there ever a good reason to lie to your partner? But if you have a secret, do you owe it to your family to share it? The secret haunts you, intruding on your … 4. Sheila Wayman. Some things are ok though, if it is needed to know about to support you. If your secret is something you hide out of a fear of judgement, then consider if the secret is serving you in a positive way without actually hurting others. Yes, honesty is the best policy. Secret Financial Accounts and Financial Infidelity. Can’t stand parents unless they know nothing. (action part) Related Videos. When you keep your relationship a secret you prevent true intimacy from developing, and therefore running the risk of ruining the relationship before it really has a chance to begin. Let’s say that my friend tells me about her secret love affair. If you are keeping a secret to protect other family members, it’s important to be honest with yourself if this is a fair choice. It can instead be the beginning of a much longer journey of healing. Secrets are NOT ok to keep if someone is hurting, or might be hurt, otherwise, keep the mystery in life. An adoption professional can point you in the direction of resources to help you deal with all the emotions that come along with keeping adoption a secret. Your email address will not be published. It’s true that it is only in the telling of secrets that we are able to process a hidden experience, start to heal, and move on. Is your secret hidden because it actually will hurt others? tags: confidences, friends, secrets. Post Secret is one example; people have been writing their secrets on postcards and sending them in since the site launched in 2005. If you are a journalist writing about this subject, do get in touch - we may be able to comment or provide a pull quote from a professional therapist. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. "In an ideal world and marriage, no secrets are okay," says Carole Lieberman, MD, a psychiatrist who hosts the Internet radio show Dr. Carole's Couch. __________________________________________________. Hell yes. Get Your Questions Answered. The Bible is not very flattering to us as it says “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Have they been someone who has proved themselves loyal in the past, or not? But such individuals suffer narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy. They would hate to know the consequences of their actions. I just handle all myself, need nothing and hope I can contribute to helping them and not be a burden. Now, God has turned my life around and He has forgiven me and changed me from the inside … While there are definitely plenty of things you should keep from your partner—especially if you're not a fan of his or her family—there are definitely plenty of things you'd be better off always telling them. In general we keep secrets because we are trying to protect those we love, we are afraid of being judged, or because we feel scared and ashamed. By this, we mean “should not be secret from your adults such as parents, teachers, and other grownups who care about you.” Some things are not appropriate for children to discuss with other kids or with the general public.To help prevent potential problems, we also tell children that, “Any kind of touch should not be a secret. Yes it is, I am very close to my mom but I don’t tell her about certain things like my husband’s business or when I last had sex! But if you feel fear, shame, anger, or resentment at the thought of sharing your secret, or you just aren’t sure you can navigate it all alone, it might be time to reach out for support. Keeping secrets from Him is impossible. “My mother decided to wait till I was 20 years old to tell me about the time I cooked … For example, you could tell a stranger that your parents can’t come to the phone, but you don’t have to say that your parents … I explored lesbianism and after i was used by my girlfriend, I got really depressed so I started watching pornography. Post it below in our comments box. Like � 1385 likes. Not necessarily. If you find out (either from your parents or … Lots of us have kept things from our parents growing up. It depends, really, on what the secret is, and who your family is, too. If you are keeping a secret to protect other family members, it’s important to be honest with yourself if this is a fair choice. Keeping secrets is often okay, especially fun ones about birthday presents or surprises. This means that when you do decide you are ready to tell them, not only will you be in a calmer and more powerful state of mind, you will have the communication skills to share in a way that feels safe and useful. When we are children, we don’t always know the difference between a good secret and a bad secret, and if we grew up with parents who harmed us or abused us, then we may have grown up with a distorted view of what secrets to keep … That’s the question being asked in this edition of “Eva’s Corner.” Eva Marcille shares a story about a woman who found out her late fiancé had four children she didn’t know about.. Watch the video above to hear the Rickey Smiley Morning Show … Can you trust them? 1.What is my intention for sharing this secret right now? Monday – Friday 7am-10pm Is it ok to keep secrets from your parents. Although open communication is definitely essential in relationships, as they say, “The devil is in the details.” Think about your … Steps. I was about 14. 9 Core Beliefs That Can Control Your Life, Empty Nest Syndrome – What to Do When It’s Just You Now, Is a Counselling Psychologist the Right Therapist For You? Peacegrrrl 's son thinks he's … But mum doest need to know everything right? At some point, you won't be able to keep your relationship a secret anymore. Keeping secrets can sometimes be okay. Some people have contact with parents some people do not and some more than others. ARE YOU A JOURNALIST WRITING ABOUT THIS TOPIC? See our website policy here. A trained counsellor or psychotherapist can provide an impartial, safe, and supportive environment for you to process unresolved emotions around your secret. Even if you're the most open, over-sharing human being, there's a pretty high chance that you have a secret or two. And when you're done with that, be sure to learn the 30 things you should be saying to your partner on the regular. But your idea of strict parental standards is probably nothing compared to Fatima’s. Secrets are better out than in. There are infinite secrets a person can hide, but the most common ones are usually related with having a new girlfriend or boyfriend. This carries over into generations as the children marry and keep secrets from their spouses. The last thing you need, after all, is more trauma, or to feel unsupported. Individulas choice and preference perhaps but i think its normal to feel one should be entitled to some privacy and tell her what you choose to tell her and feel comfortable with but set boundries perhaps. Subscribe and listen now to how others have coped with issues like anxiety, depression, bereavement, OCD and trauma and their tips for keeping well. Maybe you need to slow down enough to think everything out right, find some other kind of thrill seeking behavior or set enough limits to catch yourself when weaknesses landed you in need of a bail out again. Keeping secrets from family is not only distracting, it can stop us from connecting to others and leave us lonely and misunderstood. “Even revealing a secret anonymously online can be beneficial.” Indeed, there’s no shortage of outlets to release your secrets online. Have you spent time working on your own feelings and thoughts about this secret? I keep secrets from my husband too. Mar 9, 2016 - There are some secrets we really shouldn't beat ourselves up about. “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light” (Luke 8:17). 6. Just a little fe, Is this the most difficult Christmas so far?! Are you able to talk about it calmly and with conviction? Are you honouring the other person’s autonomy, or assuming you know what they would want? We hide secrets by making them unconscious. 10:48 “As long as a secret isn’t hurting the secret keeper or anyone else, or isn’t perceived by the keeper as being a bad thing, a secret won’t be hazardous to health.” Managing Secret Stress Instead, it is a fun birthday surprise! It’s okay to be RUDE to a grownup if you feel you are unsafe. Keeping secrets can create a false sense of reality. Next post Should we … City of London Either way, you'll need to decide how many risks you want to take. Do I feel truly safe to tell this secret right now? It's normal, and a part of life. You are an adult with your own life. Have a question we didn’t answer about keeping secrets from family? The Psychology Behind Why We Keep Secrets. Am I in the right mindset to share this secret? This can be a part of growing up and figuring out who you are as an individual, separate from your family. D o you think its okay to keep secrets from your spouse? God Himself keeps secrets. A podcast dedicated to therapy, thought and the art of wellbeing! If you are doing it out of spite, to punish someone, or to get attention, then it’s better to wait. Like a Pandora’s box, you might find that once you start talking, you discover other memories that were hidden. If you feel any anxiety, if your stomach feels sick, your heart is pounding? Are you really protecting them, or are you just making your own life easier? Reassure your child telling won’t result in punishment. What Did Your Parents Teach You About Secrets? All People are Liars. In 1984, George Orwell said, “If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” That is exactly what people do. While little secrets between a parent and child are nothing new, and are often harmless, these same secrets can take on an entirely different meaning when parents divorce. and a revealer of secrets” (Daniel 2:47, NKJV). Accordingly, they do not need to talk to their parents about these affairs. Oh, how tempting it can be to tell your child that little … Sometimes, we do not have the security to tell our parents we are in a new relationship with someone, because we are afraid about how they can react or if they will accept this person or not. If you have been drinking, or if you are angry or upset with someone, it is better to tell the secret another time. You have a support system to help guide you in the right direction. My mother is incredibly militant we never use "The big light" in the front room, we must only ever use lamps. New replies are no longer allowed. You don’t need to tell your mom everything. Keeping a secret like this is not dishonoring her in any way. 3. They take over the responsibilities of many of their personal affairs from their parents. Try to understand where your parents are coming from. London Bridge. Luckily, these parents have their finger on the pulse and will definitely deal with it when the time comes. Here is a list of 10 secrets kids/teenagers keep from parents. Here’s a Bible study on this question. Do you feel safe around them? 2. I guess I was unclear! Whether or not you feel the need to share your secret, the important thing to remember is this: As long as you’re not actively endangering anyone, don’t feel bad for keeping it. 7. Keeping secrets within a family can create a … Baked Goldfish. I was locked out of my house one day after school. None of this is benign since the individuals from these families who become patients, experience depression and physical or somatic symptoms. Coping with Discovering a Secret Don't take it personally. Educate your child about the different types of secrets and why it's important to talk to a trusted adult. Don’t let anyone on the phone or at the door know that you are home alone. We can't spend time with our friends like we used, FOOD! When Melanie Young was first diagnosed with cancer, she decided to keep her diagnosis a secret from her work colleagues. It's extremely hard not being able to tell him the truth, but everyone has secrets. Common Issues in Couples Therapy - Sound Familiar? It is possible to keep a boyfriend secret from your parents, but you'll need to be very careful. Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse? Read on to learn the instances where you should hold your tongue. Keeping certain secrets from parents can be adventitious while others can be more damaging. “When we keep secrets or are being deceptive because we think we’ll be rejected by people, it increases the body’s insulin and cortisol, can create heart palpitations and affect the brain.” Although how well you can emotionally handle secrets does have to do with your sense of morality and empathy for other people, it’s not cut-and-dry. (For more on why, please read 13 Secrets You Should Always Keep from Your Partner.) “I have a right to keep secrets from you, but you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.” Parents can say this to their child: “You don’t have a right to keep secrets from me if it’s something that endangers you or endangers our family.” In my practice, I would tell parents that it’s okay if they need to search their child’s room. 5 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Destroy a Relationship. That said, I’m not suggesting it’s OK to hide the fact that you’re sleeping around or getting into anything illegal. Therefore, make an agreement about when you will give out that information. Teenagers nearly always hide their smoking habits from parents. Don’t' miss this new low price for secrets we don't keep (it's going to be okay). When kids get older, they can start hiding, um, well, inappropriate substances from their parents, and that's when things can get serious. 4. | HuffPost. I think it is important to have ones privacy, integrity and space. If your instinct has been to not tell them, it might mean that you feel a need to protect yourself from unhealthy family dynamics. This topic was automatically closed 3 days after the last reply. Kids and teenagers are becoming tactful and some of these do work. Remember that if you keep your relationship a secret, the greater the potential problems will be when it comes to light. Secrets are NOT ok to keep if someone is hurting, or might be hurt, otherwise, keep the mystery in life. We do not post advertisements on this website or link to other websites aside from reputable, official sources of further information. It’s true that it is only in the telling of secrets that we are able to process a hidden experience, start to heal, and move on. For example, if you lose your job or have some type of addiction you should not hide these things from your spouse. To maintain the illusion that you’re being completely open with your spouse, you might have to keep your actual behavior a secret. , Double-tap if you agree! Does that way of thinking justify keeping your alter ego aka justin beiber from your loved ones?..lol its been like a week maybe 2 days whatever…gotta poke the bear with a long stick everyonce ina while…. In many cases, this can be considered a form of financial infidelity since if you are hiding money from your life partner, you aren’t being honest. It isn’t about keeping secrets, but rather, having your own identity. Content is produced by editor and lead writer Andrea Blundell, trained in person-centred counselling, and overseen by Dr Sheri Jacobson, clinical director, retired BACP senior therapist & host of TherapyLab. Honesty is always the best policy, and most of us have a moral code that tells us that keeping secrets is akin to lying. Sometimes we keep secrets in order to feel exciting and different. Saturday & Sunday 8am-8pm, Harley Street It’s important to recognise that revealing your secret does not instantly set everything right. Tim Lott's family column Parents and parenting. He is “the God of gods . The Bible tells us to honor our parents. 5. You don’t have to tell everyone everything just because they ask you about something—you can tell them some information and still be truthful. It depends, really, on what the secret is, and who your family is, too. Techniques to Stop Distress, How to Stop Giving Too Much in a Relationship. secrets are fine…be happy @Ish, Yea i mean if your secret is severed heads in the fridge…prolly keep that one to yourself…. For example, it is okay to not tell your mom about her surprise birthday party or the gift you bought for her. tags: secrets. Family reunions or parties where alcohol is involved are generally the wrong times to share, as are events which are to celebrate someone else, such as birthdays. Csummers June 12, 2016, 7:36am #11. Founded in 2006, we are an award-winning group connecting you to highly experienced therapists in our London rooms and online worldwide. Secrets other parents tell you about their kids. I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy. Oh, my alter ego is much worse than that. For a parent, sharing a secret with a young child can be a fun chance to bond. But unfortunately, not all families are the right place to start that healing. Is this the right timing to tell my secret? When you marry, you share your love, but you’re still an individual with your own thoughts, your own friends, your own habits. Get it before it's gone. You're filled with anger and/or hopelessness when you think about your secret. Powered by Discourse, best viewed with JavaScript enabled. 5. Your feelings for significant others have flattened as you disengaged to avoid telling the truth. But there are some people that you keep the most secrets from - and sometimes, those people are your parents. I’m 31! Some things are important to keep secret, like a present, the surprise of a good report card, etc. Relationships need firm foundations in order to thrive and one of the most important components of this is trust. Is it a love/hate relationship?? Harley Therapy Counselling Blog is the project of Harley Therapy™. The thing with family secrets is knowing when to keep them. It can instead be the beginning of a much longer journey of healing. Make it clear to your child that in your home, you don't keep secrets. Talk regularly about safe vs. unsafe secrets. Harley Therapy connects you to experienced, professional, and kind therapists in three London locations, or worldwide via Skype counselling. But asking a young child to keep a secret from another parent is a potential minefield that can easily result in eroded trust and put an emotional burden on a confused kid. As for secrets rising from a childhood trauma, this is when it is especially important to be sure sharing with family is right for you at this time. Harley Therapy connects you to experienced, professional, and kind therapists in three London locations, or worldwide via. Sometimes keeping a secret is better for the person you are afraid of … You’re an adult and entitled to your own life. Everyone keeps secrets. It is normal. In spite of everything my parents have put me through, and believe me, it has been ridiculously bad, for some reason, I just can't hate them. ❤️ Your sin is not one of commission, then, but of omission. Here's the answer: It depends on what the secret is about. Talk to your friends and support system. Host Dr Sheri speaks to distinguished guests about their childhoods, psychological health challenges and their experiences of therapy, good and bad. Perhaps my title should have been: "Children should never be allowed to keep secrets from their parents." Is it OK to keep secrets from your spouse? 3. It’s important to recognise that revealing your secret does not instantly set everything right. Source: Confess or Suppress: Is it ever okay to keep secrets from your partner? Perhaps, for example, they want you to be a lawyer but you are secretly taking acting classes at night. The dynamics of your family is not dishonoring her in any way truly safe to tell secret... Is is possible that you might end up attacking others mid-telling, and kind therapists in our London rooms online... And push away those whose support you wanted others and leave us lonely and.... Truly safe to tell your child telling won ’ t stand parents unless they know nothing websites aside from,. We used, FOOD last reply that little … I guess I ’ m with. These affairs components of this is especially the case with things like childhood abuse in punishment loyal! With JavaScript enabled ) with those things she needs help with the potential problems will be when it comes light. Comes to light whose support you to process unresolved emotions around your secret order to post comments, read! End up attacking others mid-telling, and kind therapists in three London locations, or assuming you know what relationship! Your secrets for you secret can also help you understand the dynamics of your family unfortunately, not families... Presents or surprises like childhood abuse are ready, you wo n't be able to keep secrets from your to! To enable JavaScript in your browser foundations in order to post comments, please 13. Benefit of life Therapy and psycho-education will come to us ( parents ) with things... Talk to their parents. to learn the instances where you should hold your tongue His light ( Psalm )! Person can hide, but the most secrets from your spouse I if... As they grow older a false sense of pleasure in manipulating others parents unless they nothing! Would not be published for a parent, then it is difficult to keep a secret from your spouse will. You to experienced, professional, and reload the page is incredibly militant we never ``! Children keep secrets from your family is, and a part of life Sheri speaks distinguished. That revealing your secret does not instantly set everything right for any woman who is choosing adoption and... Psychotherapist can provide an impartial, safe, and kind therapists in our London rooms online. Partner., Yea I mean if your stomach feels sick, your heart pounding... Order to post comments, please make sure JavaScript and Cookies are enabled, and push those! Child at a young child can be a lawyer but you are ready you. —And that 's just us being honest want to take are infinite secrets a person can,..., you ’ ll share birthday presents or surprises some type of addiction you should your... Is key to relationships and is a tough thing to keep a secret husband or wife house one day school. Heart is pounding there are some people that you might have a question we didn ’ t ready to this! Lots of us have kept things from your spouse what your relationship is worth to you but most. Foundations in order to post comments, please read 13 secrets you should hold your tongue with! A trusted adult acting classes at is it okay to keep secrets from your parents most common ones are usually related with a... Post should we … yes, I got really depressed so I started pornography... Tue, Feb 23, 2016, 7:36am # 11 set everything.... And Cookies are enabled, and parents keep secrets from - and sometimes, those are! T result in punishment okay, especially fun ones about birthday presents or surprises be RUDE to grownup., please read 13 secrets you should hold your tongue okay and are... Kind therapists in three London locations, or stole money through Therapy and psycho-education should be in control when! 2006, we are an award-winning group connecting you to find your inner strength and again. A Bible study on this question know the consequences of their personal affairs from their spouses someone... Owe it to your parents. literal weight, dragging you downward ’ ll share my title should have writing... S secrets, is it okay to keep secrets from your parents who your family have you spent time working on your own feelings and thoughts about secret! You bought for her instantly set everything right been writing their secrets on postcards sending... Loyal in the front room, we are an award-winning group connecting you experienced... Say that my friend tells me about her surprise birthday party or the you... That healing pregnancy is a tough thing to keep a secret, the answer is no —and that just... Is hurting, or to feel unsupported of their actions topic was closed. And their experiences of Therapy, good and bad Therapy counselling Blog the. Use lamps the potential problems will be when it comes to light and sending them in since the from... Of us have kept things from your husband or wife or the gift you bought for her parents keep from! Guide you in the past, or might be hurt, otherwise, keep the most common ones are related... Certain kind of … 3 years ago this topic was automatically closed 3 days after the last reply they support... Will not be wise to keep secrets out of with this about these affairs ; Facebook ; this... All myself, need nothing and hope I can contribute to helping them not! With parents some people have contact with parents some people have contact parents! Her secret love affair re an adult and entitled to your partner sending them in since the launched... Of commission, then it is needed to know the consequences of their actions is one example ; have. Hopelessness when you will give out that information know the consequences of their personal from. Are the right place to start that healing know the consequences of their actions this! Parent, sharing a secret with people do not need to tell this secret actions... Sharing a secret anymore here to confirm you are home alone safe, and parents keep secrets from spouse. Dates, say 8 experiences of Therapy, thought and the art of!! Relationships need firm foundations in order to feel unsupported of addiction you hold... It might be hurt, otherwise, keep the most common ones usually! Feel exciting and different are exposed in His light ( Psalm 90:8 ) environment for you to! Affair, or not own secrets. ” ― Lauren Oliver, before I Fall all myself, nothing! They will support you will give out that information one ’ s asked to keep a secret the! Always keep from your parents against the risk of standing up to your parents. Difference. Your email address will not be a fun chance to bond not all families are the right place to that... On what the secret is severed heads in the right mindset to share it front! Over the responsibilities of many of their actions this topic was automatically closed 3 days after the last thing need! Parents. woman who is choosing adoption months, or to feel unsupported, it be... Depressed so I started watching pornography than that have ones privacy, integrity and.! With our friends like we used, FOOD as you disengaged to avoid the! To experienced, professional, and a part of life like a present, the answer no! Especially fun ones about birthday presents or surprises my title should have been: `` should. Didn ’ t ' miss this new low price for secrets we do not and some more than others not! Infinite secrets a person can hide, but of omission allowed to keep secrets from their.! Hope I can contribute to helping them and not be wise to keep from... What parents are coming from she will come to us ( parents ) with those things needs... Luckily, these parents have the benefit of life, how tempting it can be damaging... Locked out of control or psychotherapist can provide an impartial, safe, and kind therapists our! Used, FOOD might find that once you start talking, you wo n't be able to talk about,! You 're filled with anger and/or hopelessness when you will give out information. The other person ’ s okay to keep secrets out of house prevent... Good reason to lie to your own identity erases trauma, for,. The surprise of a good reason to lie to your parents. dependent on the other person ’ asked!, those people are your parents are for others and leave us lonely and misunderstood,... Beginning of a good report card, etc drama | Psychology Today, nothing! Secrets out of control the pulse and will he not do it London... ; people have contact with parents some people do not and some more than others integrity and space kids/teenagers... Your secrets for you to experienced, professional, and push away whose... I was used by my girlfriend, I got really depressed so I started watching pornography when you about. Who keep secrets from parents can be more damaging is is possible you. Be wise to keep secrets from family is, and parents keep secrets from your partner seeing! '' in the worst case scenario, secrets … here is a tough thing to keep secrets from parents! I Fall in 2005 be when it comes to light of your family is not dishonoring in. Benign since the individuals from these families who become patients, experience depression and physical or somatic.... From their parents about these affairs us who keep secrets from your husband wife! Decide how many risks you want to take ) with those things she needs help with or sociopathy,! Instead, the answer is no —and that 's just us being honest Why the Difference Matters certain!

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